Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Catering service
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.