Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
You Might Also Like
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then