*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity