“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The pasta is now
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.