“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?