@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
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@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@Darlainky: Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.
@Xoolun: Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
@SortaBad: Last month my mom asked what "af" meant and I said it meant "like REALLY something" without saying what it stood for