@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
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@Playing_Dad: Boss: Did you bring the reports? Me: Hold on. *reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers* Boss: I resign. You're the boss now.
@AndyAsAdjective: *personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
@rockymomax: [band practice] ME: I want a solo GUITARIST: you play the tambourine ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
@joshwillhall: My boyfriend: *leaves the room* The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean. Me: right? He's weird today. How's your husband? FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage Me: that's rough janet.