@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AndrewNadeau0: PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps. ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns? PROFESSOR: What? ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it? PROFESSOR: That’s not- ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
@Bob_Heller: You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
@SmokeyDokey43: 1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy. He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, "Fried chicken!" So are the days of our lives.