@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
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@daemonic3: FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car [hours later after date] HER: It's been 18 miles ME: I insist HER: But you drove both of us
@dubstep4dads: "Interested in mail enhancement?" Me: u mean 'male' enhancement "No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro"