@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
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@storming01: In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump... .
@thinkingparsnip: *sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep* PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
@longwall26: Just a reminder that your coworkers aren't going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.