Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.