Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny