Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My whole life was a lie.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”