Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
wut hotdog?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK