Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.