*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.