*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me