*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
At least my masseuse has my back.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”