*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.