*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round