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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying