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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”