I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Natty or not?
The USS B port
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Fixed this for Shakespeare
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans