[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Meme Monday.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.