Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade