Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
subtitles are so good nowadays
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My Sentiments Exactly
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth