Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.