Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
These 3D printers are insane!
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor