step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”