Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
We all have our pet causes.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”