CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.