Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.