I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.