Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*