@Zwolf666: Stephen Hawking's worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
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@PurrrrrfectCat: If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
@Dawn_M_: If I were a werewolf I wouldn't have to chain myself up at night because I don't like going out anyway.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Guess who doesn't want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.