Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“just sayin” who asked you though?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster