[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.