Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
You Might Also Like
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Fidel Castro was alive?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat