[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: