[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
But is it really??
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.