[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
So inspired right now.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.