I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The “baby” on the left….
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.