@Zombie_Kitv2: I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
@_senote_: Friend: What's your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
@StevieKnip: Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail
Me: let's take my car
@Muath_tu: Lil Wayne is like if a doctor's handwriting came to life.
@hazelmotes1: My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
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