@Zombie_Kitv2: I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

@_senote_: Friend: What's your favourite season? Me: Of which show? Friend: 😐 Me: 😶 Friend: 😕 Me: 😐 Me: 👀💭 Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

@StevieKnip: Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail Me: let's take my car

@Muath_tu: Lil Wayne is like if a doctor's handwriting came to life.

@hazelmotes1: My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.