*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m too immature for adultery.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.