*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice