STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
They also CAN sing✌️
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.