Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack