Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
they really do be looking like this
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!