Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Still a very good boi….
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
You know…for fall…
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche