I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The fall of Netflix
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?