Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ