Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.