Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers