STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL