Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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me after eating Cheetos
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
also my go-to takeaway order
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car